i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
two words: eviction party
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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