stop calling my apartment porn island.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
