im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
