When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
