So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
