They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
