Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
