Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Randomize
