cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
