please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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