well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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