Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Randomize
