The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
