ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
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