I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
