if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
