at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
