Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Randomize
