Why is it people are always in costumes on Cheaters these days? Joe Greco literally just said, "It appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw." WTF?
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
