i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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