she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I touched a dick in church today
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Randomize
