I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
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