I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
