I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Randomize
