he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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