Hey man sorry I got all grabby
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
