I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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