i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I want to fling myself into the sun
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
