Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
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