omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
