i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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