My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
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