You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
