how can u be prego again
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
