I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
