dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
