my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
If I die, sorry about rent.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
