you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
