thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Randomize
