Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
