after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
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