I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
