I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Randomize
