dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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