Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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