i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
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