Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
