dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
