You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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