How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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