why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
where are you?
Hypothermia
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
